Cognitive Dissonance In Love

18 Jan

Cognitive dissonance is a discomfort caused by holding conflicting cognitions(e.g., ideas, beliefs, values, emotional reactions) simultaneously.

Cognitive DissonanceHow many times have I vent or complain about my job? Too many to count. I always make a plan to do something different and I end up doing something remotely different that doesn’t change the scenario.  I have suffered from Cognitive Dissonance. When it comes to love, many of us suffer the same.

Daniel knew his relationship with Hallie would not last. However he decided to fall back from the scene and allow Hallie to carry on with her antics. Daniel knew her antics was causing a wedge between them but he wanted to prove the relationship as being what it was and that he didn’t care if it went one way or another. Later it went down the toilet with the tidy bowl man.

Pam knew her fiancée lied to her on many occasions which severed the trust factor in their relationship. While she became adamantly vocal about her independence and wanting a clean slate. She continued to allowed the ex fiancée to stay in the same house with her as he went on with his usual routine.

What do they have in common? A case of cognitive dissonance in which I will call it CD.  Many times we become displeased with the way things are going especially in our love life. Sometimes we become disillusion with negativity. Other times we have met many challenges which gives us a bad perception of love in general. While it’s ok to have feelings to accept them as your feelings and to deal with them whether it’s through counseling, life skill management, etc. It’s another thing to expect change and not practice a new outlook for those results. Especially if you’re seeking to do that.

The Belief Disconfirmation Paradigm

Dissonance is aroused when people are confronted with information that is inconsistent with their beliefs. If the dissonance is not reduced by changing one’s belief, the dissonance can result in misperception or rejection or refutation of the information, seeking support from others who share the beliefs, and attempting to persuade others to restore consonance.

How many times have you heard your friend declaring they’re ready for a change? They’re going to stop dating a certain type of guy? Move on with their life in a different direction? However their patterns haven’t changed and they’re not allowing you to call them out on it. Instead they want you to co-sign on why it’s the way they want you to see it.  They haven’t shift their paradigm.

Shifting the paradigm takes works. If you’re not ready to do so, then don’t cause attention to the cause that you’re standing against. If you want to continue the pattern but afraid of what society or others will say to you. Live your paradigm with pride. Don’t justify why you want it another way so you’ll be in appeasement to your confusion.

My question for you is what are you going to do today or tomorrow (the procrastinator) in changing your pattern? I’ll let you know mines tomorrow. Joking!

 

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Roz Random Quotes

17 Jan

It’s so easy,
To think about love, 
To talk about love, 
To wish for love, 
But it’s not always easy,
To recognize love, 
Even when we hold it
 In our hands.
                                           – Jaka


Convo w/ Roz- The Baby Momma Drama

14 Jan

Writing

Hey Roz!

I wanted to share my story with you. I’m dating a wonderful guy and he has a 5-year-old son. He was in a long-term relationship with his son’s mother and they recently broke up before we met. I ask him if he still loves her and he said he is “not in love” with her. Now that she knows we’re dating, she calls him all the time and demands that he spend extra time with their son, TOGETHER! I don’t have a problem with him and his relationship with his son. But I’m afraid she using the boy as bait to keep him at her beckoning call. Should I stick around and see what unfolds?

Signed,

*Donna is Down

Hey Donna,

Thank you for asking. First off let me say that you are brave to ask this question. Do know that you are not alone in this matter and that many women are dealing with this complex issue. While we’re taught in society to submit to instant gratification. The gratification matter have also affected people in dealing with personal and intimate relationships. We rush into relationships that we think are idea at the moment and many time it ends up with egg on the hurting partner’s face.

Unless you found your ideal “soul mate” partner you should strongly feel compel to not to rush into a relationship. Now with that out-of-the-way let me say that adding a child into the factor is a dot.com situation! Yes I said it. Let me clarify a few things. *You didn’t say how long you were dating him. So I’m guessing it’s less than 3 months. You also stated that they “recently” broke up… The word recently in your dilemma means 4 to 5 months ago. I’ll be nice and give him 6.  Lastly, you all havent set up time together and really get a sense of where this is going. For him it may be “I’m just having fun now”. Or I want to get over my ex, so I will focus my time on someone else who is available but not necessarily the greatest choice. I got to keep it real ladies….

On top of that, it seems like before you can show and differentiate if you like ice cream and he prefers frozen yogurt, you all haven’t begun a huge argument over that or anything else to really get to know each other. He already took the minuscule issues out of the equation and brought you bigger ones like his Baby Momma Drama. That’s not a good look. Why would you want to be put in a situation where you have to stress over something like this at a moment in your life?

I think dating with children especially small children is a complicated matter. You have to be involved with each other on a higher level before you can set out and tackle the problems in your relationship such as constraints. Now there are other situations that wouldn’t necessary relate to your main issue. Such as a baby momma or father that lives in another country or has moved on into a serious committed relationship with no ties to the other partner except with connection of the son or daughter they share.

From what I read above. Your partner’s ex still has feelings for him ouch! And to make matters worse she is not ready to let it go. She also knows that he is dating consistently and therefore feels that she has priority over you when it’s really the child who have overall priority. You can’t blame her for this outcome. It work dual ways for both parties. If your new boo isn’t ready to stand up for the relationship you all share then it is safe to assume that he’s scared. Scared of losing visitation rights or his place back in her heart if needed to be. Things can change but why take a chance on something that isn’t guarantee and out of your control?

WHAT CAN YOU DO? Well you have free will. You can choose to stick by him and let it play out. And I know you hoping it will play out in your favor. Or you can start dating with a 2 to 1 ratio, but make sure that other guy is just as wonderful as the guy you’re holding out for. Otherwise it wont work. The last option is to take it for what it is. If you receive more disappointments from the situation than victories, you’re probably better off making a clean break now.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that you should be 100% biased towards men with children. Children are a gift. They are a wonderful addition to the world. But know that you need to be at a happy place with yourself. Having a successful relationship with yourself is key. When you’re happy you can share your happiness with others and at the end never feel depleted or defeated. Dealing with a Baby Momma who won’t let go is a defeated situation. Especially if your partner is confused about everything or need “time” to sort it out. It is your responsibility to know when to hold and when to fold. And sometimes that means to run Anna Mae! And once you fed up with the antics you will no longer want to eat the cake.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best in your journey. Know that it will be a situation that requires healing and in the end the scab wounds will show a well needed lesson.

Love and Light,

Roz

*the names have been changed to protect the embarrassed.

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Roz Random Quotes

10 Jan

“Love is like a flower,

English: Photograph of a pomegranate flower, w...

you’ve got to let it grow.”

          – John Lennon

Don’t Be Boo Boo The Fool…

9 Jan
Image-wedding and engagement ring 200

I do! Do you?

 I spent another weekend night catching up on some reality tv shows. While watching one show,  I was unexpectedly surprised by the outcome of this episode. On this episode the producers reveled into this famous hip-hop couple’s relationship. They have been together for over 7 years which is common law in most states. The girlfriend is complaining that her boyfriend hasn’t propose to her. Through all the lady gatherings, brunches and mommy dearest heart to hearts, her boyfriend finally proposed. A happy ending to this story right? Nope I don’t think so. Anything force will not serve the purpose to lasting happiness. Let me explain as it’s time for a reality check and a real synopsis of this situation called “engagement”.

We all know once a woman hits 30 she is in desperate attempt to have  marriage and a family option in her life. It doesn’t matter what race, ethnicity, or background she comes from, women in society are expected to meet this goal by 30. Yes talk about PRESSURE!!! And if the woman doesn’t want that in her life at the moment she is consistently told how she should pursue that goal called “marriage” because father time isn’t on her side.

No wonder there are so many dysfunctional relationships out there. We rush the process and don’t have a sense of purpose in developing a lasting partnership.

THE PROBLEM: Let’s call her Lisa. Lisa is pushing 40. No children and no ring options. She has an image to keep up and thinks her boyfriend is playing around. Her boyfriend, lets call him John has adapt to the partnership lifestyle but doesn’t feel the need to make a legal commitment. I’m sure he loves her but his freedom to self is more important than walking down the aisle and saying I do.

With her constant crying, pressure, withholding and temper tantrums. She was able to twist his arms with a ring. And what made her look silly on the show was that she had to ask him to put the ring on her finger. He did a lot of stuff half -ass. Yes I said it! He didn’t even feel compel to place the ring on her finger. He’s probably thinking let me do this so can stay in good graces with her and not mess up my comfort factor.

WHAT HAPPEN: Lisa didn’t allow him to be a man or take charge with the idea of getting married. He showed her that he was push and shoved into her decision-making which is not a good look. Some people prefer their mates to take charge and be the aggressor in the relationship. Lisa is the aggressor to her man who is an aggressor in everything else but his feelings of conviction. More than likely the scenario will play out with him getting fed up and leaving her to mend her wounds.  Or he may reluctantly stay in a relationship to save face and his pockets.

It’s ok to want a commitment if that’s what you wish. But the key ingredients to a successful relationship is total commitment from both parties. Both parties have to agree upon their desires and what they want out of the relationship. If marriage is the goal great! If one isn’t ready or want that in their life it’s not going to work. Plain and simple.

Why waste your time with someone who isn’t ready or wants to be with you? For most relationships 4 to 5 years is enough time to figure out if your partner is in it for the long run. If you’re not sure ask. If you still don’t see adequate results or a guided direction with the relationship, then its time to put on your dancing shoes and step out of his or her’s life. Obviously you’re not that important to them. If you were, it would have happen when it supposed to happen. It goes both ways for men and women who are looking for a commitment.

When you find the right partner, the fear and lack of freedom will not be an issue because you all will be on the same page. Don’t get discouraged keep hope alive and stay encouraged. A delay is not a denial.

“Each new day is a blank page in the diary of your life. The secret of success is in turning that diary into the best story you possibly can.” – Douglas Pagels

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Roz Random Quotes…

15 Feb
An image of a person playing the poker varient...

Image via Wikipedia

 

“You got to know when to hold’em, know when to fold’em. Know when to walk away, know when to run!”

–Kenny Rogers “The Gambler“

Living On Fantasy Island…Without An Escape Route

25 Jan

When it comes to love, there is no such thing as smooth sailing.

Remember the popular 80’s tv show called “Fantasy Island”? It was a show about people getting away from their own lives, escaping to lived out their fantasies. While the show made for great tv viewing, to actually have a real-life fantasy island would be a total disaster.
I’m using this as a context for love. Let me explain.  Often times most women have unrealistic expectations of love. But this theory was not created entirely by us. As young girls, we’re told in all media sources that a wonderful man will swept you off your feet and give you a life that is happily ever after.
While this maybe true for 2% of the population, the other 98% is living in total chaos of why things aren’t going the way as they expected. When it comes to love, it’s more comfortable to live in a fantasy than reality.
I have a friend name Patty. Patty is a wonderful friend. She gives from her heart and has compassion and integrity. Unfortunately Patty is living in a fantasy situation. Patty went from a good relationship to a decent relationship. I call it decent for a reason, but I will save that for another blog topic.
Anyway, Patty had a time span of a year in between those two relationships. That is great because it allowed her to heal from one and gave her time to get into another relationship. After her last affair, Patty disappeared to Fantasy Island. Patty rarely appears at gatherings. Her comfort has been Ben & Jerry’s ice cream and Netflix. While I don’t have a problem with either, Patty isn’t allowing herself to deal with the reality of being single. Instead Patty is conquering up images of herself and famous A-list actors as  relationship standards. These guys have no clue she exists. Patty has no clue that good men are there waiting to meet her. I guess that’s the commonality Patty and the actors have.

I asked Patty if she was happy with the current state her of lack-luster love life. She said no. I then asked her what was she going to do about it? She couldn’t give me an answer. She also told me a few men have approach her with quick convo and interest to go further. Patty told me she gave them all the death stare and scared them away. She has conditioned herself into thinking that it’s okay to live like that.
Patty hasn’t accepted the fact that dating is a process and the first date may or may not be successful. She hasn’t learned that to have happiness in love she has to deal with reality first. Her reality is too painful for her to deal, so she resorts to having a fantasy love affair with secret crushes. The fantasy allows her to control the outcome the way she wants its. I encouraged Patty to step outside her comfort zone. At this moment she’s considering it as an option. That’s a good start!

WHAT HAPPEN: Patty felt due to her last relationship and over analyzing some flaws, she chose to be alone for a while. While it was ok for her to initially have those feelings, it became a problem when she wanted to hide away and not have a social life. She became complacent with staying home alone on a Saturday night watching dvd’s. The thought of even going out for drinks made her uncomfortable. Her social awkwardness became a part of her cliché and the reality that nobody gets her. The real fantasy is that it’s all in her head.

YOUR ROLE: Dating isn’t an easy process. If it was everybody would be partnered up. However we tend to allow the past to affect our future. In the present moment, we need to check what we can do different to bring new results. If we adopt the positive aspect of things going right for us, we will gradually get to the place that is necessary in being. Garnering us to see actual proof and results that we will like and enjoy.

It’s okay to pause, but staying in that place for too long will not allow opportunity for growth. Growth comes from a source of pain and joy. Once we learn how to accept both and take action we will be better off in the long run. That’s the reality.

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Roz Random Quotes

25 Jan
Easter Eggs

Image via Wikipedia

Never keep all your eggs in one basket. Just know where your eggs are to avoid a messy situation…

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The Text Option

20 Jan
The Cell

Who's Checking You Boo? Not The Person You Want Too!

I was prompt to write this post today because I had multiple conversations with friends about men and texting.
There has been a common theme since cell phones exist that the dating men chooses the option to text than call.
From personal experience, I been told that it’s an easier option to multitask while texting. Hmm let’s get into a deeper subject of this topic.

The True Hollywood story behind this is that texting allow men to not have personal or intimate contact with a woman they are not 100% interested in.

Let me explain, men are told to have woman options. Women on the other hand are told to work one male option at a time. Usually the male that we are in touch with is the one we really want as our lover or companion. Men on the other hand explore their options by dating multiple women. The winner of the man’s attention and time is the woman who appears flawless in their vision.

Ladies don’t despair! There is hope. I see couples all the time who are 100% in love and committed to each other. I’m speaking to the other population who seems to have trouble finding or keeping a significant other. Many times it’s our fault that men do what they do. This is a perfect example of the analogy I written.

My friend L was in a causal relationship with this guy she really like. They went out many times and had a sexual relationship. All of a sudden dude breaks up with her out of the blue, when L questioned him about their status. L was confused and very hurt. She saw him at times while at school. But he keep the conversation short. L decided to get herself together and focus on her studies. After many conversations with her, it was clear that she was moving on without him.

After a few months dude decided to contact her. He did this by texting. L was at first perplex by the simple text that said hello. Within moments of the first text she got really excited. Her feelings of neglect and abandonment vanished. She waited a few hours and text him back. Dude returned her text. This would go on for a few days. Once L built her trust for a possible reconnection, dude vanish.

This cycle of carelessness put L in another tailspin of displace feelings and confusion. By now she’s thinking that men isn’t interested in her and they play games.

WHAT HAPPENED: What L didn’t realize is that dude’s behavior has nothing to do with her. Dude was keeping his option open for when his first choice didn’t work out. The other scenarios could be that his main woman was away and maybe he wanted a quick hook-up. L was consider an easy option because he already put work into her. Easy retrieval of what’s familiar vs going to find another woman for the moment. Other factors of why they didn’t hook up may have been that his main lady interest was returning to his space. Leaving dude with no time to plan a reunion. Another option could have been that he wanted to see if L would accept him effortlessly without hassle or hang-ups.

YOUR ROLE: Now opinions of how this can work out varies. For L the best thing she could have done was to ignore his text. She could have deleted the text as well or block his number. Personally I think L wasn’t ready for that. Deep down inside a part of her had hope that it can work out again. Honestly it couldn’t. First of all they weren’t in a serious committed relationship. Second he did not show an interest in being with her on an exclusive level. To make matters worse, dude probably realized that L was too eager to get back with him. That made him feel less about her, self-esteem wise and put him in a search for a woman who will not tolerate his antics.

Ladies if you are experiencing this now. The best thing you can do is to deal with the situation head on. This is accomplished by letting him know that you’re over it and no longer interested. You can either do this by texting or calling him and setting the record straight.

I wish you all success and strength.

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