Archive | January, 2011

Living On Fantasy Island…Without An Escape Route

25 Jan

When it comes to love, there is no such thing as smooth sailing.

Remember the popular 80’s tv show called “Fantasy Island”? It was a show about people getting away from their own lives, escaping to lived out their fantasies. While the show made for great tv viewing, to actually have a real-life fantasy island would be a total disaster.
I’m using this as a context for love. Let me explain.  Often times most women have unrealistic expectations of love. But this theory was not created entirely by us. As young girls, we’re told in all media sources that a wonderful man will swept you off your feet and give you a life that is happily ever after.
While this maybe true for 2% of the population, the other 98% is living in total chaos of why things aren’t going the way as they expected. When it comes to love, it’s more comfortable to live in a fantasy than reality.
I have a friend name Patty. Patty is a wonderful friend. She gives from her heart and has compassion and integrity. Unfortunately Patty is living in a fantasy situation. Patty went from a good relationship to a decent relationship. I call it decent for a reason, but I will save that for another blog topic.
Anyway, Patty had a time span of a year in between those two relationships. That is great because it allowed her to heal from one and gave her time to get into another relationship. After her last affair, Patty disappeared to Fantasy Island. Patty rarely appears at gatherings. Her comfort has been Ben & Jerry’s ice cream and Netflix. While I don’t have a problem with either, Patty isn’t allowing herself to deal with the reality of being single. Instead Patty is conquering up images of herself and famous A-list actors as  relationship standards. These guys have no clue she exists. Patty has no clue that good men are there waiting to meet her. I guess that’s the commonality Patty and the actors have.

I asked Patty if she was happy with the current state her of lack-luster love life. She said no. I then asked her what was she going to do about it? She couldn’t give me an answer. She also told me a few men have approach her with quick convo and interest to go further. Patty told me she gave them all the death stare and scared them away. She has conditioned herself into thinking that it’s okay to live like that.
Patty hasn’t accepted the fact that dating is a process and the first date may or may not be successful. She hasn’t learned that to have happiness in love she has to deal with reality first. Her reality is too painful for her to deal, so she resorts to having a fantasy love affair with secret crushes. The fantasy allows her to control the outcome the way she wants its. I encouraged Patty to step outside her comfort zone. At this moment she’s considering it as an option. That’s a good start!

WHAT HAPPEN: Patty felt due to her last relationship and over analyzing some flaws, she chose to be alone for a while. While it was ok for her to initially have those feelings, it became a problem when she wanted to hide away and not have a social life. She became complacent with staying home alone on a Saturday night watching dvd’s. The thought of even going out for drinks made her uncomfortable. Her social awkwardness became a part of her cliché and the reality that nobody gets her. The real fantasy is that it’s all in her head.

YOUR ROLE: Dating isn’t an easy process. If it was everybody would be partnered up. However we tend to allow the past to affect our future. In the present moment, we need to check what we can do different to bring new results. If we adopt the positive aspect of things going right for us, we will gradually get to the place that is necessary in being. Garnering us to see actual proof and results that we will like and enjoy.

It’s okay to pause, but staying in that place for too long will not allow opportunity for growth. Growth comes from a source of pain and joy. Once we learn how to accept both and take action we will be better off in the long run. That’s the reality.

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Roz Random Quotes

25 Jan
Easter Eggs

Image via Wikipedia

Never keep all your eggs in one basket. Just know where your eggs are to avoid a messy situation…

The Text Option

20 Jan
The Cell

Who's Checking You Boo? Not The Person You Want Too!

I was prompt to write this post today because I had multiple conversations with friends about men and texting.
There has been a common theme since cell phones exist that the dating men chooses the option to text than call.
From personal experience, I been told that it’s an easier option to multitask while texting. Hmm let’s get into a deeper subject of this topic.

The True Hollywood story behind this is that texting allow men to not have personal or intimate contact with a woman they are not 100% interested in.

Let me explain, men are told to have woman options. Women on the other hand are told to work one male option at a time. Usually the male that we are in touch with is the one we really want as our lover or companion. Men on the other hand explore their options by dating multiple women. The winner of the man’s attention and time is the woman who appears flawless in their vision.

Ladies don’t despair! There is hope. I see couples all the time who are 100% in love and committed to each other. I’m speaking to the other population who seems to have trouble finding or keeping a significant other. Many times it’s our fault that men do what they do. This is a perfect example of the analogy I written.

My friend L was in a causal relationship with this guy she really like. They went out many times and had a sexual relationship. All of a sudden dude breaks up with her out of the blue, when L questioned him about their status. L was confused and very hurt. She saw him at times while at school. But he keep the conversation short. L decided to get herself together and focus on her studies. After many conversations with her, it was clear that she was moving on without him.

After a few months dude decided to contact her. He did this by texting. L was at first perplex by the simple text that said hello. Within moments of the first text she got really excited. Her feelings of neglect and abandonment vanished. She waited a few hours and text him back. Dude returned her text. This would go on for a few days. Once L built her trust for a possible reconnection, dude vanish.

This cycle of carelessness put L in another tailspin of displace feelings and confusion. By now she’s thinking that men isn’t interested in her and they play games.

WHAT HAPPENED: What L didn’t realize is that dude’s behavior has nothing to do with her. Dude was keeping his option open for when his first choice didn’t work out. The other scenarios could be that his main woman was away and maybe he wanted a quick hook-up. L was consider an easy option because he already put work into her. Easy retrieval of what’s familiar vs going to find another woman for the moment. Other factors of why they didn’t hook up may have been that his main lady interest was returning to his space. Leaving dude with no time to plan a reunion. Another option could have been that he wanted to see if L would accept him effortlessly without hassle or hang-ups.

YOUR ROLE: Now opinions of how this can work out varies. For L the best thing she could have done was to ignore his text. She could have deleted the text as well or block his number. Personally I think L wasn’t ready for that. Deep down inside a part of her had hope that it can work out again. Honestly it couldn’t. First of all they weren’t in a serious committed relationship. Second he did not show an interest in being with her on an exclusive level. To make matters worse, dude probably realized that L was too eager to get back with him. That made him feel less about her, self-esteem wise and put him in a search for a woman who will not tolerate his antics.

Ladies if you are experiencing this now. The best thing you can do is to deal with the situation head on. This is accomplished by letting him know that you’re over it and no longer interested. You can either do this by texting or calling him and setting the record straight.

I wish you all success and strength.