Tag Archives: Advice

Cognitive Dissonance In Love

18 Jan

Cognitive dissonance is a discomfort caused by holding conflicting cognitions(e.g., ideas, beliefs, values, emotional reactions) simultaneously.

Cognitive DissonanceHow many times have I vent or complain about my job? Too many to count. I always make a plan to do something different and I end up doing something remotely different that doesn’t change the scenario.  I have suffered from Cognitive Dissonance. When it comes to love, many of us suffer the same.

Daniel knew his relationship with Hallie would not last. However he decided to fall back from the scene and allow Hallie to carry on with her antics. Daniel knew her antics was causing a wedge between them but he wanted to prove the relationship as being what it was and that he didn’t care if it went one way or another. Later it went down the toilet with the tidy bowl man.

Pam knew her fiancée lied to her on many occasions which severed the trust factor in their relationship. While she became adamantly vocal about her independence and wanting a clean slate. She continued to allowed the ex fiancée to stay in the same house with her as he went on with his usual routine.

What do they have in common? A case of cognitive dissonance in which I will call it CD.  Many times we become displeased with the way things are going especially in our love life. Sometimes we become disillusion with negativity. Other times we have met many challenges which gives us a bad perception of love in general. While it’s ok to have feelings to accept them as your feelings and to deal with them whether it’s through counseling, life skill management, etc. It’s another thing to expect change and not practice a new outlook for those results. Especially if you’re seeking to do that.

The Belief Disconfirmation Paradigm

Dissonance is aroused when people are confronted with information that is inconsistent with their beliefs. If the dissonance is not reduced by changing one’s belief, the dissonance can result in misperception or rejection or refutation of the information, seeking support from others who share the beliefs, and attempting to persuade others to restore consonance.

How many times have you heard your friend declaring they’re ready for a change? They’re going to stop dating a certain type of guy? Move on with their life in a different direction? However their patterns haven’t changed and they’re not allowing you to call them out on it. Instead they want you to co-sign on why it’s the way they want you to see it.  They haven’t shift their paradigm.

Shifting the paradigm takes works. If you’re not ready to do so, then don’t cause attention to the cause that you’re standing against. If you want to continue the pattern but afraid of what society or others will say to you. Live your paradigm with pride. Don’t justify why you want it another way so you’ll be in appeasement to your confusion.

My question for you is what are you going to do today or tomorrow (the procrastinator) in changing your pattern? I’ll let you know mines tomorrow. Joking!

 

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Convo w/ Roz- The Baby Momma Drama

14 Jan

Writing

Hey Roz!

I wanted to share my story with you. I’m dating a wonderful guy and he has a 5-year-old son. He was in a long-term relationship with his son’s mother and they recently broke up before we met. I ask him if he still loves her and he said he is “not in love” with her. Now that she knows we’re dating, she calls him all the time and demands that he spend extra time with their son, TOGETHER! I don’t have a problem with him and his relationship with his son. But I’m afraid she using the boy as bait to keep him at her beckoning call. Should I stick around and see what unfolds?

Signed,

*Donna is Down

Hey Donna,

Thank you for asking. First off let me say that you are brave to ask this question. Do know that you are not alone in this matter and that many women are dealing with this complex issue. While we’re taught in society to submit to instant gratification. The gratification matter have also affected people in dealing with personal and intimate relationships. We rush into relationships that we think are idea at the moment and many time it ends up with egg on the hurting partner’s face.

Unless you found your ideal “soul mate” partner you should strongly feel compel to not to rush into a relationship. Now with that out-of-the-way let me say that adding a child into the factor is a dot.com situation! Yes I said it. Let me clarify a few things. *You didn’t say how long you were dating him. So I’m guessing it’s less than 3 months. You also stated that they “recently” broke up… The word recently in your dilemma means 4 to 5 months ago. I’ll be nice and give him 6.  Lastly, you all havent set up time together and really get a sense of where this is going. For him it may be “I’m just having fun now”. Or I want to get over my ex, so I will focus my time on someone else who is available but not necessarily the greatest choice. I got to keep it real ladies….

On top of that, it seems like before you can show and differentiate if you like ice cream and he prefers frozen yogurt, you all haven’t begun a huge argument over that or anything else to really get to know each other. He already took the minuscule issues out of the equation and brought you bigger ones like his Baby Momma Drama. That’s not a good look. Why would you want to be put in a situation where you have to stress over something like this at a moment in your life?

I think dating with children especially small children is a complicated matter. You have to be involved with each other on a higher level before you can set out and tackle the problems in your relationship such as constraints. Now there are other situations that wouldn’t necessary relate to your main issue. Such as a baby momma or father that lives in another country or has moved on into a serious committed relationship with no ties to the other partner except with connection of the son or daughter they share.

From what I read above. Your partner’s ex still has feelings for him ouch! And to make matters worse she is not ready to let it go. She also knows that he is dating consistently and therefore feels that she has priority over you when it’s really the child who have overall priority. You can’t blame her for this outcome. It work dual ways for both parties. If your new boo isn’t ready to stand up for the relationship you all share then it is safe to assume that he’s scared. Scared of losing visitation rights or his place back in her heart if needed to be. Things can change but why take a chance on something that isn’t guarantee and out of your control?

WHAT CAN YOU DO? Well you have free will. You can choose to stick by him and let it play out. And I know you hoping it will play out in your favor. Or you can start dating with a 2 to 1 ratio, but make sure that other guy is just as wonderful as the guy you’re holding out for. Otherwise it wont work. The last option is to take it for what it is. If you receive more disappointments from the situation than victories, you’re probably better off making a clean break now.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that you should be 100% biased towards men with children. Children are a gift. They are a wonderful addition to the world. But know that you need to be at a happy place with yourself. Having a successful relationship with yourself is key. When you’re happy you can share your happiness with others and at the end never feel depleted or defeated. Dealing with a Baby Momma who won’t let go is a defeated situation. Especially if your partner is confused about everything or need “time” to sort it out. It is your responsibility to know when to hold and when to fold. And sometimes that means to run Anna Mae! And once you fed up with the antics you will no longer want to eat the cake.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best in your journey. Know that it will be a situation that requires healing and in the end the scab wounds will show a well needed lesson.

Love and Light,

Roz

*the names have been changed to protect the embarrassed.

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