Tag Archives: Relationships

Convo w/ Roz- The Baby Momma Drama

14 Jan

Writing

Hey Roz!

I wanted to share my story with you. I’m dating a wonderful guy and he has a 5-year-old son. He was in a long-term relationship with his son’s mother and they recently broke up before we met. I ask him if he still loves her and he said he is “not in love” with her. Now that she knows we’re dating, she calls him all the time and demands that he spend extra time with their son, TOGETHER! I don’t have a problem with him and his relationship with his son. But I’m afraid she using the boy as bait to keep him at her beckoning call. Should I stick around and see what unfolds?

Signed,

*Donna is Down

Hey Donna,

Thank you for asking. First off let me say that you are brave to ask this question. Do know that you are not alone in this matter and that many women are dealing with this complex issue. While we’re taught in society to submit to instant gratification. The gratification matter have also affected people in dealing with personal and intimate relationships. We rush into relationships that we think are idea at the moment and many time it ends up with egg on the hurting partner’s face.

Unless you found your ideal “soul mate” partner you should strongly feel compel to not to rush into a relationship. Now with that out-of-the-way let me say that adding a child into the factor is a dot.com situation! Yes I said it. Let me clarify a few things. *You didn’t say how long you were dating him. So I’m guessing it’s less than 3 months. You also stated that they “recently” broke up… The word recently in your dilemma means 4 to 5 months ago. I’ll be nice and give him 6.  Lastly, you all havent set up time together and really get a sense of where this is going. For him it may be “I’m just having fun now”. Or I want to get over my ex, so I will focus my time on someone else who is available but not necessarily the greatest choice. I got to keep it real ladies….

On top of that, it seems like before you can show and differentiate if you like ice cream and he prefers frozen yogurt, you all haven’t begun a huge argument over that or anything else to really get to know each other. He already took the minuscule issues out of the equation and brought you bigger ones like his Baby Momma Drama. That’s not a good look. Why would you want to be put in a situation where you have to stress over something like this at a moment in your life?

I think dating with children especially small children is a complicated matter. You have to be involved with each other on a higher level before you can set out and tackle the problems in your relationship such as constraints. Now there are other situations that wouldn’t necessary relate to your main issue. Such as a baby momma or father that lives in another country or has moved on into a serious committed relationship with no ties to the other partner except with connection of the son or daughter they share.

From what I read above. Your partner’s ex still has feelings for him ouch! And to make matters worse she is not ready to let it go. She also knows that he is dating consistently and therefore feels that she has priority over you when it’s really the child who have overall priority. You can’t blame her for this outcome. It work dual ways for both parties. If your new boo isn’t ready to stand up for the relationship you all share then it is safe to assume that he’s scared. Scared of losing visitation rights or his place back in her heart if needed to be. Things can change but why take a chance on something that isn’t guarantee and out of your control?

WHAT CAN YOU DO? Well you have free will. You can choose to stick by him and let it play out. And I know you hoping it will play out in your favor. Or you can start dating with a 2 to 1 ratio, but make sure that other guy is just as wonderful as the guy you’re holding out for. Otherwise it wont work. The last option is to take it for what it is. If you receive more disappointments from the situation than victories, you’re probably better off making a clean break now.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that you should be 100% biased towards men with children. Children are a gift. They are a wonderful addition to the world. But know that you need to be at a happy place with yourself. Having a successful relationship with yourself is key. When you’re happy you can share your happiness with others and at the end never feel depleted or defeated. Dealing with a Baby Momma who won’t let go is a defeated situation. Especially if your partner is confused about everything or need “time” to sort it out. It is your responsibility to know when to hold and when to fold. And sometimes that means to run Anna Mae! And once you fed up with the antics you will no longer want to eat the cake.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best in your journey. Know that it will be a situation that requires healing and in the end the scab wounds will show a well needed lesson.

Love and Light,

Roz

*the names have been changed to protect the embarrassed.

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Living On Fantasy Island…Without An Escape Route

25 Jan

When it comes to love, there is no such thing as smooth sailing.

Remember the popular 80’s tv show called “Fantasy Island”? It was a show about people getting away from their own lives, escaping to lived out their fantasies. While the show made for great tv viewing, to actually have a real-life fantasy island would be a total disaster.
I’m using this as a context for love. Let me explain.  Often times most women have unrealistic expectations of love. But this theory was not created entirely by us. As young girls, we’re told in all media sources that a wonderful man will swept you off your feet and give you a life that is happily ever after.
While this maybe true for 2% of the population, the other 98% is living in total chaos of why things aren’t going the way as they expected. When it comes to love, it’s more comfortable to live in a fantasy than reality.
I have a friend name Patty. Patty is a wonderful friend. She gives from her heart and has compassion and integrity. Unfortunately Patty is living in a fantasy situation. Patty went from a good relationship to a decent relationship. I call it decent for a reason, but I will save that for another blog topic.
Anyway, Patty had a time span of a year in between those two relationships. That is great because it allowed her to heal from one and gave her time to get into another relationship. After her last affair, Patty disappeared to Fantasy Island. Patty rarely appears at gatherings. Her comfort has been Ben & Jerry’s ice cream and Netflix. While I don’t have a problem with either, Patty isn’t allowing herself to deal with the reality of being single. Instead Patty is conquering up images of herself and famous A-list actors as  relationship standards. These guys have no clue she exists. Patty has no clue that good men are there waiting to meet her. I guess that’s the commonality Patty and the actors have.

I asked Patty if she was happy with the current state her of lack-luster love life. She said no. I then asked her what was she going to do about it? She couldn’t give me an answer. She also told me a few men have approach her with quick convo and interest to go further. Patty told me she gave them all the death stare and scared them away. She has conditioned herself into thinking that it’s okay to live like that.
Patty hasn’t accepted the fact that dating is a process and the first date may or may not be successful. She hasn’t learned that to have happiness in love she has to deal with reality first. Her reality is too painful for her to deal, so she resorts to having a fantasy love affair with secret crushes. The fantasy allows her to control the outcome the way she wants its. I encouraged Patty to step outside her comfort zone. At this moment she’s considering it as an option. That’s a good start!

WHAT HAPPEN: Patty felt due to her last relationship and over analyzing some flaws, she chose to be alone for a while. While it was ok for her to initially have those feelings, it became a problem when she wanted to hide away and not have a social life. She became complacent with staying home alone on a Saturday night watching dvd’s. The thought of even going out for drinks made her uncomfortable. Her social awkwardness became a part of her cliché and the reality that nobody gets her. The real fantasy is that it’s all in her head.

YOUR ROLE: Dating isn’t an easy process. If it was everybody would be partnered up. However we tend to allow the past to affect our future. In the present moment, we need to check what we can do different to bring new results. If we adopt the positive aspect of things going right for us, we will gradually get to the place that is necessary in being. Garnering us to see actual proof and results that we will like and enjoy.

It’s okay to pause, but staying in that place for too long will not allow opportunity for growth. Growth comes from a source of pain and joy. Once we learn how to accept both and take action we will be better off in the long run. That’s the reality.